Maybe it's just PMS. Maybe it's early onset SAD. Or maybe I'm just friggin' depressed.
Depression sucks, you know? Now, mild depression isn't so bad. I see things very clearly at that stage, like early on a bright fall day, when your vision is sharp and you can see the edges of the leaves on that maple tree that's slowly turning red.
The next stage, however, is more like wearing dark glasses. When it's already gray out. So you think, hey, this is really a dismal day. Only you can't suddenly remember that you have your sunglasses on, and whip them off, and feel better. Instead, everything feels kinda dismal. And that small smart voice in the back of your head reminds you, "Hey, it's not that bad--knock off the negativity, Miss I'm-Such-A-Failure!" But do you listen, I mean really listen to that voice? Ooooooh nooooooo, you're so much more in tune with the universe than her. What does she know, anyway?
Okay, this whole second-person thing is clearly a distancing mechanism. This is me we're talking about. A very smart therapist I had back in the Northwest once reminded me that I will never win in such arguments with myself, because, of course, I'm arguing with myself. And I know myself well enough to counter every move. "You suck," I tell myself. "I do not!" I insist. "Do too!" Okay, so that's just an example--actual internal arguments are much nastier and more articulate.
Recently, the grayness has turned into a general sort of "You're a failure" malaise. And I hate hate hate the idea of being a failure. Of course, to be a failure, I have to have failed at something, right? Failed to meet some standard? And the standards I set for myself are ludicrous. I would never make my friends live up to such standards.
Sometimes I seem to regress back to that adolescent me, the one who thinks if I were just smart enough or pretty enough or funny enough everything would be fabulous. Which is part of an elaborate fantasy about control. I do not have that degree of control over the rest of the world. And looking like _______________________ (fill in blank with beautiful woman) will not give me that kind of control.
So, what to do? Walk more. Talk to friends more. Get out the lightbox for the season. Rent funny movies. This is do-able. I'm on it.
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4 comments:
speaking of friends, i still like you. just thought you might like to know. :)
I feel for you! I get sad, but I can't say I've ever felt truly (clinically) depressed. But when I feel that way, even for a sec, it's hard for me to see out of it. And yes, I second the walking, hanging out with friends, seeing funny movies, etc.
I also like to eat popcorn and chocolate, and also drink wine, but that usually doesn't help with the depression.
Eating protein?
Chin up. You are absolutely not a failure. You're a stellar success. Maybe you're just such a huge success it's freaking your shit out.
I like to watch "When Harry Met Sally" and sit around in my pjs.
Sorry, gotta run and go change into my pjs.
:)
You have a PhD.
What have you failed AT?
And at any rate: we all think you're fabulous. Let *us* argue with you. :)
seems like you might need a reunion beer with some friends who haven't accomplished yet what you have - so we can remind you how cool it is to be where you are, and tell stories about poeple and things and so forth....
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